What's new? fourfold:
1) reading, writing, watching events unfold, speaking, remembering are full of gaps, like data is dropping out in increments of about 1/10 second. I'm re-typing words in every sentence.
2) sleeping all the time -- naps throughout the day, often right in the middle of reading or watching whatever
3) alimentary system seems poorly, with many trips to the potty, not always making it, lots of clothing changes and doing of laundry accordingly. I'm not embarrassed; a body is a body and does not come with guarantees; however I wish I was still good at pants legs and sleeves and not getting into things inside out and backwards repeatedly under duress. 😅
4) I used to feel a flash of anger when interrupted while coding. The sharp intake of breath and pained facial expression I produced were quite alarming to the interruptor, so I generally made an effort to apologize and explain. This has spread into interrupted reading, writing, speaking, or even zoning out. I'm stressing every time I see a hand raised to let me know I need to switch on my hearing device and pay attention. It's exhausting both for me and those who have to communicate with me. I'm realizing that to shift my attention causes actual distress, which I experience as pressure behind the eyes and a short-duration dull ache in the prefrontal lobes.
Not much in the way of sharp pains, though, so there's that. No idea whether all this is CLL related or just normal demented aging.
I sit in the veranda with the Bear folk and watch for bats swooping in the gathering twilight, a good life.
People do not realize how much they do not need; I have tried to impart this insight with varying success for 50+ years and often felt frustrated over this, but now just sitting out back seems to be its own right thing, a completion.
Sometimes it's enough just to be responsible for one's own deep peace.
You see the true realm of human life in the peaceful breeze and in quiet waves. You realize the original nature of the mind in plain tastes and quiet talk.
-- Caigentan by Hong Zicheng tr. Robert Aitken with Daniel W. Y. Kwok
You are a beautiful tree with orange and red autumn leaves, gracefully standing in the breeze, still beautiful even as leaves fall one by one. Still, your roots drink deep from the earth and you make time, in this time of yesterday and not yet, tomorrow and forever, to whisper comfort to the rest of us. Love to you, Risa. (Lonna)
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